Let’s have some honest talk, shall we? We’re all adults around here. We’ve all got our grown-up pants on. So, let’s just sit down and have a measured and mature conversation:
Pigs in a blanket are superior to hot dogs and if you don’t understand that then you’re a poopy pants.
Honestly, it’s not even that close of a contest. Though they may seem similar (they’re not), hot dogs cannot hold a candle to pigs in a blanket. Pigs in a blanket are fun, exciting, and, dare we say, sexy? Hot dogs? Hot dogs are boring.
Want proof? Let’s create a hypothesis that’s 100% scientific and in absolutely no way based on one jabroni’s opinion:
Here’s what it’s like seeing a tray of hot dogs at a picnic…
“Huh…hot dogs…maybe I’ll have one.”
Here’s what it’s like seeing a tray of pigs in a blanket at a picnic…
“EVERYONE SHUT IT DOWN. I’M GONNA NEED A FOLDING CHAIR, A TOOTHPICK, AND A QUIET PLACE TO WORK.”
Pigs in a blanket are special. They are unicorns. Quite frankly, hot dogs are basic af.
“Well, what about toppings?” you might be saying. “You can’t discount toppings, which you can have with hot dogs but not pigs in a blanket. What about my crispy fried onions, my coleslaw, my jalapeños, my….”
Stop it. You’re embarrassing yourself.
Pigs in a blanket don’t need toppings. Pigs in a blanket don’t have to gussy themselves up with random foodstuffs. To paraphrase Mr. Bruno Mars, they are amazing just the way they are. (That song is now stuck in your head. You’re welcome.) Of course, they do still need condiments and that’s where I have some good news for you. Unlike hot dogs, pigs in blanket go with any and all condiments, not just the standard ketchup and mustard:
BBQ sauce – yup
Pesto - definitely
Sriracha – hells yeah
Tzatziki – umm, yes please
Peanut sauce – if you haven’t tried it you haven’t lived
Why don’t they have other condiments at baseball games besides ketchup and mustard? Because regular old hot dogs can’t handle them. They get too mushy and mucky. Maybe if they served pigs in a blanket at ball parks instead of hot dogs then baseball wouldn’t be such a dying sport. (Yeah, I said it. Come at me, Mookie Betts!)
More importantly, there’s a discrepancy with the amount you can eat of each without feeling like a trash monster. Multiple pigs in a blanket are wonderful while multiple hot dogs are riddled with regret. With hot dogs it’s like, “Why’d I eat that second dog? I hate myself.” But with pigs in a blanket it’s like, “I just slammed a plate of pigs in the blanket and I’ve never felt more alive.”
Pigs in a blanket are so superior to hot dogs in every way, shape, and form that it’s a crime that they’re not as revered. Some people just don’t understand, I guess. But one person does…
I once went to a “Pigs in a Blanket Party” in Chicago. The host served nothing but pigs in a blanket —literally nothing else. Just tray after tray of pigs in a blanket on a table, complete with 22 different dipping sauces that perfectly complemented each and every little piggy. I didn’t leave the table for the entire night and I wasn’t even drunk.*
*Stoned...I was very, very stoned.